How to spend my time

Published Jan 09 2021

Mirror selfie. I’m wearing a white sweatshirt. My hair is super long, and it’s coming down the front of my sweatshirt, maybe down to where the navel would be. I’m holding my phone with one hand, and holding up some of my hair with the other.
Hair’s so long now.

I took a bath today, first time in a while. Maybe first time since moving into Monchito Palace. I missed the feeling of wearing comfy clothes after taking a hot bath—my joints feel tingly and I feel like I could just close my eyes and go to sleep.

This morning I realized that I often don’t give myself the mental space to think about how I want to spend my time. I first defer to what other people want to do, which I feel like is an unfair thing put on someone, to make them be responsible for my time. And then of course, I slip into a scrolly-hole with social media and group chats and stuff.

My “resolution” for this year is to figure out how I can spend more time on “personal growth,” and I guess giving myself the space to think about how I should spend my time is part of that.

It’s hard to quit the things that provide feedback right away — Slack and Twitter and Instagram and all that. I remember when I wrote blog posts in high school, I didn’t really have a way of knowing if anyone actually read any of it. There was no acknowledgement or feedback or validation. Maybe some time later someone would say, “Oh, I read the thing you wrote that one time.” But now I feel like my body has come to expect, or yearn for, feedback on a much shorter timescale. Maybe that’s more the danger of sharing on social media — that I need to keep coming back to check if anyone has seen it.

I think tomorrow I’ll try to keep all those things unopened for the whole day.