I’m in SF. Aki is in SD with Kev’s parents, Soleil is in NY with my mom. Kev is here on business, and I’m mooching off his nice hotel.
Post-job decompression
Kevin describes it like a Casper mattress delivery: the mattress arrives rolled up and vacuum sealed, and you need to set it down and give it some time to uncoil before you can use it. I’m still uncurling, unfurling. The visual in my head is funny curled up bug pose
Recombobulation timeline
Jess told me it took her 9 months to create the distance between her last job to start thinking about the next. It’s been just under 2 months for me, so I don’t know why I’m feeling like I’m falling short of expectations. It’s a continuous effort to be patient and kind with myself, to show myself compassion.
An episode
The night I came back from St Thomas, I had kind of a surprising meltdown. It was as if some internal judgment (of myself, of others) that had been murkily floating in my head suddenly coalesced and hit me in the gut.
I was so worn down at work that I had given up my agency as an IC designer. And when this director-level feedback came down I didn’t have the energy to push back. I was in “Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it” mode — not a good sign. I was later validated that pushing back would have gotten to us where we ended up more quickly, but by then I had started the work, burnt out, and put in my notice. I was resentful of the person who gave me that feedback and the power structures that existed that made be believe I didn’t have a choice, upset with myself for not defending my decisions and ceding my agency, and regretful of losing a job that I had loved for so long.
I really had to just let out some heaping sobs and then eventually get to sleep to clear my head. When I woke up the next day, I was like, “Wtf was that??” When Kevin asked me what had happened, I had to rack my brain to remember—I’m not even sure if how I remember it now was the full story of what happened that night. But resting did pull me out; it was like a fever breaking.
Filling the gaps
A couple nights ago, I caught up with a former teammate who had taken over the work that I was putting down with my departure. I was excited to chat with her, but felt some fear about hearing how the work was going. The project was so challenging for me, and I was more senior to this person. Did I put my teammate in a bad position and leave her hanging? I felt guilty.
From our discussion, it sounded like she was actually holding her own and, even better, starting to build confidence in her ability to do the work. I felt so relieved (for myself, I realize), and so proud of her.
2 things I took away from our chat:
- The same project that could crumble me would not necessarily do the same to someone else. People have different strengths, motivations, and circumstances that could lead to different outcomes with the same project. The fact that I technically have more work experience didn’t really matter here. I think this will be useful for me to remember when I enter the grind of the job hunt.
- Sometimes a departure is what’s needed for a project to get the fresh perspective that it might need to succeed. I don’t want to overindex on this idea because people still can be hurt in the process (me, in this case), but I still care about jobs being done well I guess lol. I do believe, and it makes me happy, that my leaving this project gave my teammate the opportunity to step in and carry the work forward with her own way of doing things. I remember feeling something similar when leaving Tattly way back when.
Structure
I’m starting to feel the fatigue of navigating a structureless life. In fairness to myself, I have been doing a lot of reacting to stuff that makes it challenging to start building that scaffolding. But I’ve also been opening up new doors that create opportunities—and variability—in my life.
This is still a fluid, unresolved situation. Some notes/takeaways from therapy:
- Be patient; roots are taking hold underneath the surface
- Try, and try again. Missing a day doesn’t mean I have to quit